Christmas Ramblings... Inclusion

It's christmas time and everyone is doing their best to make sure I feel welcome and included in this holiday that I have little to no investment in due to it primarily being a corporate cash grab and losing its roots.

Their efforts bring me back from the brink of full blown nihilism and despair, and I really do appreciate it a lot. There is a lot to appreciate during this time and the farther away from corporatism I get the clearer I can see that for the majority of people the spirit of christmas that i was brought up with is preserved.

In its most pure form, a global celebration of togetherness, and forgiveness. The forgiveness I struggle with, really struggle with, even for the closest of family members and it hurts to exist in such a state, but the feelings wont leave, and I am left as an observer over my fate watching and waiting for the doors of clarity to open and a solution to manifest. It's something that I do not have the time to dedicate time to because I'm working on survival, trying to stabilise my internal and external state requires all of my attention, and any attempts to forgive would be false and only for other people's benefit, and I wholeheartedly believe that other peoples feelings are not my responsibility, but as you can read below my actions betray me.

My christmas wish is for my true self to manifest in its proper form, the holder of hands, the hugger, the forgiver, the includer, I have a childhood memory of some adult gathering in the kitchen in my childhood home. I wanted to hug my parents goodnight, however there were about fifteen people around, and it seemed sad that they would miss out, so I hugged everyone so nobody felt left out.

This inclusive feeling has some drawbacks such that taken to an extreme it means I would prefer not to give anyone a hug rather than exclude someone. Something that has caused me to withdraw rather than express openly my positive feelings for people as I really can't stand the idea of someone feeling left out or missed. This is actually really detrimental to my relationships as it tends towards nobody getting praise. This feeling has persisted throughout my adult life, I'm uncomfortable engaging in competition if I feel there is a loser, people think I'm cold hearted, that I ignore them, or any number of side effects. An overly strong lack of exclusion means that deserving people miss out if I cannot get to everyone. It feels like the mirror of the current social movements, a lack of exclusion isn't the same as inclusion, being welcoming isn't the same thing as not denying entry.

I have internalised this so much and found myself frustrated with self expression that I have attempted to train myself into giving credit to people directly, but I'm not very good at it. And deserving people miss out all the time from receiving my love and praise all the time because of it.

I'm working to find the place of pure tranquility against the storm of life such that I can extend outwards with open arms and welcome all within my reach. I am reminded of a conversation with my awesome friends Annie and Annie about personal social mobility as not being the ability for people to climb the structures of wealth and power, but for people to be able to transcend the structures that separate us and be welcoming and relate to each at any level with warmth and kindness.