The challenges I face post cancer

Hi, anyone out there? hmm, guess not.

[ This is simply a portion of my personality, it needs to be expressed as much as the rest, perhaps a little dramatic at the end as I go down the rabbit hole of thought ]

The Initial treatment for cancer was one thing, sort of immediate and direct, easily visible and understandable to a degree, it was pain and exhaustion and fear, things most people can relate to.

I listened and related to Jordan Peterson the other night talk about the effect that difficult circumstances has on a family, that it shrinks the timeframe by which you measure your life. Being unable to emotionally afford optimism for the future, you shrink your timeframe as close as necessary to survive, from planning in terms of years, to months to days, to minutes, to seconds. Just one more, dont focus on tomorrow, just one more foot infront of another.. keep going, thats all you have, just keep going.

That sort of experience changes you forever.

When your timeframe starts to expand again, you remember how short things can get and it sort of hastens your concerns to today rather than next week or next year. and while that fades you can never really let it go completely.

This isnt the first time my timeframe has shrunk, infact its the third, but most brutal in its nature.

The first was spiritual, and psycological, when I thought I was going insane. The second was emotional, when I thought I would die of heartache, this has lasted the longest, and now I have expeirences it physically, imminent mechanical breakdown with a pain rating well beyond my expectations of what 10 should feel like.

The sense of urgency has effected my ability to relate to other people, as I dont feel like I have time for bullshit anymore, I dont have time for useless, wasteful, boring, painful relationships. If someone upsets me I quickly get rid of them out of my life, as there is no time, life is literally too short, and I feel the pressure to get things done before its too late.

I have no guarantees that I will live for very long, I'm ok today, but cancer often returns, and from the anecdotes of family and friends who have suffered it gets more agressive and more frequent. So my timeframe stays shrunken, never expanding much beyond a five to ten year span.

Unfortunately this has estranged me to once close family members as I once had patience for their suboptimal world view, their own irritating and often offensive quirks. This is taking an emotional toll as whilst I would like to make good on these relationships I simply dont have the time to bring them up to speed.

It makes me have a hard time dealing with clients and customers who waste my short lifespan with their petty concerns, it makes me angrier than anything with our politicians who blunder around wasting time on their petty pathetic selfish lives. It makes me so angry with the world around me, who obliviously live thier lives without the understanding that life is too short. far too short.

This anger and resentment I feel isolates me, I know you cant ask  a child to know more than they do, or be angry at ignorance, its a waste of my energy to expect anything more of people than they are capable, and it would be a waste of theirs too. I withdraw into a place of safety, a place of loneliness.

Nobody understands, which is both true and also false, some people understand some things, nobody understands everything.

I try to take comfort in the call to survival that people like Jordan Peterson  describe, but find myself floundering in a apathetic mode of pointlessness. I've given myself realistic tasks and direction, earned my freedoms with hard work and muster the strength to keep placing one foot infront of another every day. But I dont see the point, I just continue in hopes that someday I will find meaning.

In the meantime I follow my ideals, with as much guts as I can muster, often doing nothing for days, then working solidly then nothing, unable to pinpoint the circumstances that generate motivation.

I lapse into silent thought.

I have the body of a 36 year old, but some of my experiences are that of a much older person, as most cancer patients are of a greater age bracket. I hardly relate to anyone anymore, the more experience I get in life the more unique and separate from everyone I get, I lose my connection with humanity, unable to see the similarities between us, unable to form new relationships, as old ones drift or break apart.

I am truly lost, wandering a dark path alone, one foot infront of another, step after step after step, my eyes on the immediate near and distant goals, my mind lingers on the past, my pathway hardly trodden, with nobody to guide me, and nobody following. I walk forever forward to my fate, calling out in the darkness.