Showing posts from 2018

Christmas Ramblings... Inclusion

It's christmas time and everyone is doing their best to make sure I feel welcome and included in this holiday that I have little to no investment in due to it primarily being a corporate cash grab and losing its roots.

Their efforts bring me back from the brink of full blown nihilism and despair, and I really do appreciate it a lot. There is a lot to appreciate during this time and the farther away from corporatism I get the clearer I can see that for the majority of people the spirit of christmas that i was brought up with is preserved.

In its most pure form, a global celebration of togetherness, and forgiveness. The forgiveness I struggle with, really struggle with, even for the closest of family members and it hurts to exist in such a state, but the feelings wont leave, and I am left as an observer over my fate watching and waiting for the doors of clarity to open and a solution to manifest. It's something that I do not have the time to dedicate time to because I'm wor…

Random Updates

I feel like sharing,

I've been running around trying to work on both my van and my day job, and i found that the lifestyle has been detrimental to my health, so I added Intermittent fasting and also physical activity into my routine.

I'm starting to get the picture that I have high ambition which isn't matched by low self motivation, like a battery that gets depleted, I have limits and not all things I set out to do fit within those limits, leading to reduction ratio of success to failure.

I tend to use up most of my battery during my day job, which is unfortunate, My present job however changes the equation, I have a 12 hour day, 4 day on 4 day off schedule, two weeks nights, two weeks days. which means I have four days to recover from transitioning from night to day, but also my transition from work to self. This reduces the difficulty of the transition, for me.

I've found that because I have a larger time frame to work with  i relax a bit, which helps me resume my …

The challenges I face post cancer

Hi, anyone out there? hmm, guess not.

[ This is simply a portion of my personality, it needs to be expressed as much as the rest, perhaps a little dramatic at the end as I go down the rabbit hole of thought ]

The Initial treatment for cancer was one thing, sort of immediate and direct, easily visible and understandable to a degree, it was pain and exhaustion and fear, things most people can relate to.

I listened and related to Jordan Peterson the other night talk about the effect that difficult circumstances has on a family, that it shrinks the timeframe by which you measure your life. Being unable to emotionally afford optimism for the future, you shrink your timeframe as close as necessary to survive, from planning in terms of years, to months to days, to minutes, to seconds. Just one more, dont focus on tomorrow, just one more foot infront of another.. keep going, thats all you have, just keep going.

That sort of experience changes you forever.

When your timeframe starts to expand…

Van build RSS feed

Hi so a quick post about rss feeds.

I've recently ditched facebook because it was barely usable and their ethics are questionable at best.

Anyway, I use to manage my projects and the van build is no exception, it might not be source code yet, but the interior works will become so more and more as time goes on.

at the moment its mainly issue tracking, comments and pictures, which when viewed from its activity stream is something i would like to show everyone, lucky for me gitlab exports an rss feed of activity streams :D

here it is:

You'll need an RSS reader, I use feedly since google reader shutdown.

It's actually really nice to see things in chronological order without adverts.

All the major social media platforms massage the feed to keep you engaged. I just prefer to see in order posts from my subscriptions and not have anyone mess with that or inject their own stuff in there.

If feedly s…

What was chemo like for me?

I spent a few months having chemo? doing chemo? on chemo? I don't know what the right way to say this is.

I find myself unable to talk much about this topic, it feels like when someone tells you a bad story and you just dont want to hear it, when I go to write about this I get that same feeling. I would talk about it except I dont want to. I'm usually happy to talk about it with friends if they have questions, but I dont want to go searching memories and documentation for the details because I simply dont want to remember.

That being said.. I'm trying anyway

My cycle was four weeks long and i had like 7 or 9 cycles or something like that.
Week 1 all day Monday then nothing Week 2 Recovery Week 3 Mornings Monday to Friday Week 4 Recovery  Week one and three had different types of chemo, i only remember the acronyms of VAC and IE. I know V was for vincristine, C was for cyclophosfamide or something, Here's a link for more information.
Honestly considering all the documen…

Confest Easter 2018 - Oh man what a trip.

This was my first ever bush camping festival.

No order to the ramblings.

The mens circle was better than expected, but only until after I left did I
feel more grounded. During I felt disconnected from men more than anything else because their experiences they related were so different to how I think about things but then I only get to hear their two minute tale and it doesn't reflect their reality in their mind, just their ability to express it. I found myself unable to express myself in any meaningful way during the circle, but some stuff was close to the surface bubbling away. The explanation that due to emotional and physical trauma that I maintain a primarily neutral emotional state, avoiding the lows, but preventing the highs, really hit me in the feels.

I met a girl Sarah, who I danced with on thursday night and I felt we made a
great connection I talked to her a lot over the weekend, I hope I have made a new friend. She has my contact details but I don't have hers :|


Just keep swimming

So what the fuck have I done all week?

Activate brain thing. warning we detect the presence of alcamahol. cognitive function may be impaired.

Umm, I went to the dentist, hells yeah! and bonus my teeth aren't as bad as expected. the dentist was a little worried because i have been through a bunch of chemo so that can affect the food hole tools.

I also went and had an x-ray and now have to arrange appointments for fillings but that's what it takes.

I watched a government auction, and vans are way more expensive than I imagined, so my expectations are shifting. Instead of getting a longer term thing I am aiming for a break even as soon as possible and do the bare minimum to survive, so that means an old cheap shit van, do up the inside and when it fails, buy a new one and rip out the insides from one and put it in the new one.

It will make it a sort of iterative design which is okay.

Sold some things on gumtree, or did I do that already.. nope I sold them th…

Too sane for my own good

Back to where we were, here is the post from February 25th 2016

"Had breakfast at Bambi's Kitchen on East Terrace with Ian and Gaia this morning before heading to the doctors. , cheers for the service Vish :D I recommend it. SO.. Update time. Bringing those people who don't know up to speed, I had a preliminary diagnosis of cancer a few weeks ago.
what had started as abdominal pain(similar to wind/gas) sent me to the doctor who recommended a CT which found a 9.5cm soft tissue mass..
for a quick guide to how large that is its about the size of my fist. there is another mass, and a lesion on my liver.
Of course when you find something like that you need to find out what it is, so i had a biopsy, and the prelim results showed a rare kind of cancer.
since then i have had another CT of abdomen and chest, and a whole body PET scan to check for any additional parts of my body Fast forward to this morning and I get the results of the PET scan.
First the good news, no evidence that th…

Nowhere is scary

The closer I get to living nowhere the more anxiety I feel about it.
This last week and a bit, because it's Thursday and not Sunday Organised a loan for the future vehicle, waiting on approvalRequested and received help from my bestie Annie's dad Paul in purchasingFinished packing, I don't have anything left in the house except that which is for sale.Posted gumtree adds for the remainder of the itemsPlanned for test drives this coming SaturdayPacked up my car, it all fits yay!Started scouting locations to crash and relax, so far so good.Decided on waiting six months before publishing information about homelessness in case of negative attention having an impact on meTested my gym shower routine, so far so good but a bit coldScouted locations for sleeping, street lights are the worst. need to figure something else out.Where am I going to dry my towel? :( The biggest one is sleep, and relaxation. A single night of scouting has made me very uncomfortable for my immediate futur…

Winning the shittest lottery

Hmm, so last time I got my biopsy done.

What do I remember from that time, Ian being a great friend and holding my hands a bit, Sam, Ronan, the stalwarts Annie and Annie, many tears with my sister Kathryn.

I was told that it was called Desmoplastic Small Round Cell Tumor. or DSRCT or short. Ian my doctor friend did a little bit of reading on the subject and came back with a figure of < 15% survival rate over five years.. shit.. the chance of survival is so low.

I want to take a minute to explain something that I havent really talked about very much, and it still largely applies. I'm not overly fond of life, after a pretty bad breakup and planning for suicide I managed to drag myself back to life but the lustre that once was was largely gone, having been replaced with a sort of matrix'y dissociation and lethargy. I had ended up choosing that if life was going to be the way, then It had better be fun, and so that's what I had been pursuing for the previous six or so year…

It's Not a Tumor

This is going a fair bit back in time and i'm pretty tired...

The GP tells me the results of the CT scan, two large soft tissue masses in my abdominal cavity, and a very small node on my liver. The larger of the two was about the size of my fist, and the other more like a golf ball. like WTF the size of my fist is huge... Well now we know that they exist i can feel the larger one, i kinda just thought it was a fairly chunky piece of feces not a full on tumor.

I don't like to get excited early, so I'm taking it pretty easy at the moment,  yes people get cancer all the time, but I don't get anything that interesting happen to me, let alone the big C. So let's not get too excited and find out what the course of action is.

My doctor books me in for a biopsy to find out what the tumors are made of.

My this point i have told all my good friends and family about the things that have been happening, so there is anticipation on many fronts, I can't go silent by this poin…

Moving to Nowhere

OK i guess this week has been pretty busy.

The storage unit is finally rented and I have started moving my things into it. Sorting the things I have into bin / recycle / garage sale / give away.

The hardest part of this for me is the destruction of the original packaging. I keep all the original packaging for all the things i own in case i want to on sell them in the future, or give them away. that way the person receiving it gets all the goods. But that's impossible for a lot of things i want to take with me this time. I'm not putting empty boxes into storage.

Sheesh, if that's the hardest part i must be OK.

Pretty much everything I am doing at the moment isn't exciting, well not counting getting drunk with new friends, partying in mclaren vale, catching up with Brad to discuss the electricals, sleep overs.

So not counting all the exciting things yeah its mundane, sorting and packing, and more sorting, and box tetris.

I did receive another house sitting gig, but alas…

Isn't life exciting

Or rather, I'm perfectly capable in times of crisis, but am pretty quickly learning that the piper must be paid at some point.

It's been two and a bit years since I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer called Desmoplastic Small Round Cell Tumor (or DSRCT for short) so my memory will be a little hazy. I also tend to push uncomfortable thoughts aside so they fade quicker.

My life was pretty good as far as I could tell. I had an awesome group of friends. I was fitter than I had ever been and had a very active life, I lived by myself and invited guests over often and we jumped around being silly and it was fun. My job was stable and mildly entertaining, my co-workers were good people. I was confident with women and had people around me with good judgement to bring me back to earth. It wasn't all fun but things were relatively good compared to where I had come from and I don't want to bring other people into this unless they form a positive story arc.


Things are getting a little hairy, I mean scary..

I do need to have a shave.

So this week, I checked out the price of storage units in Adelaide to store my things for the transition to van life, and its not super cheap, but it's totally doable.

For a nice sized unit with a garage style door it's about $225 a month, I don't need all the space, and i will be reducing my footprint over time, so if i could go halvsies with someone that would be nice, the next size option is about $70 cheaper, and then it gets slightly cheaper for even smaller spaces. so I might end up with the one with a normal door. This all has to be done by the end of march, however I will decide by next week and begin moving all my things out of my current place.

Downsizing, and selling
This coming week I will begin my campaign to sell the things I don't need but that still have value, My almost new fridge, rowing machine, paper shredder, little fan heater, ahh, I'm sure I had more things.

I have a bunch of old electronics and batt…

The Chaotic Upside

"From Couch to Couch"
The story of going from the cancer couch to the nomad life of couch surfing.

Well that's just a shitty preliminary title. My mate Shannon just encouraged me to share my story of cancer recovery so what better way to do that than write random shit on a blog and see what sticks.

I'm going to start in the middle because that's where I am right now, In my favourite harem pants, in my favourite cafe, sitting in front of the window overlooking prospect road, drinking my usual mug of flat white coffee with three sugars.

I just asked Mark, the owner of the cafe, for a work trial when he begins opening at night in March. This would be my second job, my first is working for an IT firm in the central business district of my hometown Adelaide.

What am I doing? can I handle two jobs? Can this truly be happening? I've only just gotten back into full time work and I am piling on more?

I've just decided to get a storage locker for my things and cou…

Van planning at last...

So i've been interested in van life for a while, and now that I have overcome the cancer and have gotten a job it's time to start planning the build.. here is this mornings brainstorm:

ok this morning i was thinking about making a list of van manufacturers who
sell in australia and find out what the deal is with their vans
* Mercedes - Sprinter
* Volkswagen - Transporter
* Ford - Transit
* Renault -Master
* Fiat - Ducato
* Toyota - HiAce
* Hyundai - iLoad

so what are the considerations for purchasing
* Initial Price
* Repair price
* Mod difficulty
    * Interior
    * exterior
    * Engine
* Efficiency
    * Petrol or whatever
* Stealthiness
    * looks like a commercial van
* Volume dimensions
    * Must be tall enough to stand comfortably after build out.
    * long wheel base
* reviews and ratings

What are the things I want?
* Nerdy Shit
    * Interior and exterior cameras
    * NAS
    * Lo…