The elusiveness of wild abandon.

I have a problem, well it's not a problem really, but it's part of my personality which I am finally able to accept and own. The feelings of feeling guilt, frustration, disappointment, associated with this now have a handle onto which I can grasp, and maybe in the future can change.

I hold back the best of me, and the worst too, for people I am romantically interested in. In no other activity is this more illustrated to me than in dancing.

Dancing does not lie to me, it provides a wealth of introspection opportunities like no other activity I can think of. When I am on the dance floor my emotions expose my truth to myself.

Because of the way I feel, or perhaps because of the way I want to feel, dancing closed hold dances (bachata, kizomba, and to a lesser extent zouk) is uncomfortable with most people. On some rare occasions, when I am so romantically interested in someone, I can let go of my reservation and dance with wild abandon, expose myself openly. Free from my self imposed prison, I care for none other than my partner, my body and mind flow freely unencumbered by insecurity, moving with the music, body rolls, dips, grinding, whatever humans are capable of is on the menu. It is the same wild abandon I get with sex, and having sex in a room full of people is just no, unless you are inspired to throw everything away and live that wild abandon.

Let's be clear about something, in no way is my partner feeling what I feel, they may get a hint of it in my actions, but their experience of the world is entirely separate. It is important to me to establish that projection of self onto the world around you is a folly we all succumb to, usually to our detriment.

If you are afraid that you may have danced with me like this, let go of your ego you haven't, it's only happened three times in six years, is preceded by a romantic crush, which when the rejection comes, is just another disappointing moment of unfulfilled desire, how typical of me.

At this point in the post I have lost my way.. I'm not really sure how to finish it. So I ask why?

Why is this a problem? why do I care?
Because when it happens:

  • It feels amazing, like you are one with the universe
  • The dancing is actually better, more moves, better moves, more body movement, all the things
  • I feel I am providing real value to my partner
  • I feel like I'm dancing like it should be danced

All other times:

  • I feel awkward
  • The dancing feels stilted, memorised, repetitive
  • I feel like I am letting my partner down
  • I am not dancing as the dance should be

After talking to people who seem to be able to do this every dance, they describe having a different mindset when dancing than when not. Unfortunately for me, I am the same person everywhere, I don't get separation of work and homelife, no play acting for me, I am me all the time. I am jealous of those who can embrace this wild abandon for a dance, or a play, or any other activity, or are wild all the time because the feeling of letting go is liberating, relaxing, comforting, exciting, I'm working on it.

What I can accept is that I am a good dancer regardless, even if I cannot achieve this wild abandon, that's OK. I am reminded of the bad guy affirmation from Wreck-It Ralph

"I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be, than me." - The Bad Guy Affirmation