Christmas Ramblings... Inclusion

It's christmas time and everyone is doing their best to make sure I feel welcome and included in this holiday that I have little to no investment in due to it primarily being a corporate cash grab and losing its roots.

Their efforts bring me back from the brink of full blown nihilism and despair, and I really do appreciate it a lot. There is a lot to appreciate during this time and the farther away from corporatism I get the clearer I can see that for the majority of people the spirit of christmas that i was brought up with is preserved.

In its most pure form, a global celebration of togetherness, and forgiveness. The forgiveness I struggle with, really struggle with, even for the closest of family members and it hurts to exist in such a state, but the feelings wont leave, and I am left as an observer over my fate watching and waiting for the doors of clarity to open and a solution to manifest. It's something that I do not have the time to dedicate time to because I'm wor…

Random Updates

I feel like sharing,

I've been running around trying to work on both my van and my day job, and i found that the lifestyle has been detrimental to my health, so I added Intermittent fasting and also physical activity into my routine.

I'm starting to get the picture that I have high ambition which isn't matched by low self motivation, like a battery that gets depleted, I have limits and not all things I set out to do fit within those limits, leading to reduction ratio of success to failure.

I tend to use up most of my battery during my day job, which is unfortunate, My present job however changes the equation, I have a 12 hour day, 4 day on 4 day off schedule, two weeks nights, two weeks days. which means I have four days to recover from transitioning from night to day, but also my transition from work to self. This reduces the difficulty of the transition, for me.

I've found that because I have a larger time frame to work with  i relax a bit, which helps me resume my …

The challenges I face post cancer

Hi, anyone out there? hmm, guess not.

[ This is simply a portion of my personality, it needs to be expressed as much as the rest, perhaps a little dramatic at the end as I go down the rabbit hole of thought ]

The Initial treatment for cancer was one thing, sort of immediate and direct, easily visible and understandable to a degree, it was pain and exhaustion and fear, things most people can relate to.

I listened and related to Jordan Peterson the other night talk about the effect that difficult circumstances has on a family, that it shrinks the timeframe by which you measure your life. Being unable to emotionally afford optimism for the future, you shrink your timeframe as close as necessary to survive, from planning in terms of years, to months to days, to minutes, to seconds. Just one more, dont focus on tomorrow, just one more foot infront of another.. keep going, thats all you have, just keep going.

That sort of experience changes you forever.

When your timeframe starts to expand…

Van build RSS feed

Hi so a quick post about rss feeds.

I've recently ditched facebook because it was barely usable and their ethics are questionable at best.

Anyway, I use to manage my projects and the van build is no exception, it might not be source code yet, but the interior works will become so more and more as time goes on.

at the moment its mainly issue tracking, comments and pictures, which when viewed from its activity stream is something i would like to show everyone, lucky for me gitlab exports an rss feed of activity streams :D

here it is:

You'll need an RSS reader, I use feedly since google reader shutdown.

It's actually really nice to see things in chronological order without adverts.

All the major social media platforms massage the feed to keep you engaged. I just prefer to see in order posts from my subscriptions and not have anyone mess with that or inject their own stuff in there.

If feedly s…

What was chemo like for me?

I spent a few months having chemo? doing chemo? on chemo? I don't know what the right way to say this is.

I find myself unable to talk much about this topic, it feels like when someone tells you a bad story and you just dont want to hear it, when I go to write about this I get that same feeling. I would talk about it except I dont want to. I'm usually happy to talk about it with friends if they have questions, but I dont want to go searching memories and documentation for the details because I simply dont want to remember.

That being said.. I'm trying anyway

My cycle was four weeks long and i had like 7 or 9 cycles or something like that.
Week 1 all day Monday then nothing Week 2 Recovery Week 3 Mornings Monday to Friday Week 4 Recovery  Week one and three had different types of chemo, i only remember the acronyms of VAC and IE. I know V was for vincristine, C was for cyclophosfamide or something, Here's a link for more information.
Honestly considering all the documen…

Confest Easter 2018 - Oh man what a trip.

This was my first ever bush camping festival.

No order to the ramblings.

The mens circle was better than expected, but only until after I left did I
feel more grounded. During I felt disconnected from men more than anything else because their experiences they related were so different to how I think about things but then I only get to hear their two minute tale and it doesn't reflect their reality in their mind, just their ability to express it. I found myself unable to express myself in any meaningful way during the circle, but some stuff was close to the surface bubbling away. The explanation that due to emotional and physical trauma that I maintain a primarily neutral emotional state, avoiding the lows, but preventing the highs, really hit me in the feels.

I met a girl Sarah, who I danced with on thursday night and I felt we made a
great connection I talked to her a lot over the weekend, I hope I have made a new friend. She has my contact details but I don't have hers :|


Just keep swimming

So what the fuck have I done all week?

Activate brain thing. warning we detect the presence of alcamahol. cognitive function may be impaired.

Umm, I went to the dentist, hells yeah! and bonus my teeth aren't as bad as expected. the dentist was a little worried because i have been through a bunch of chemo so that can affect the food hole tools.

I also went and had an x-ray and now have to arrange appointments for fillings but that's what it takes.

I watched a government auction, and vans are way more expensive than I imagined, so my expectations are shifting. Instead of getting a longer term thing I am aiming for a break even as soon as possible and do the bare minimum to survive, so that means an old cheap shit van, do up the inside and when it fails, buy a new one and rip out the insides from one and put it in the new one.

It will make it a sort of iterative design which is okay.

Sold some things on gumtree, or did I do that already.. nope I sold them th…